Stop Using Chopsticks

The thing that is most frustrating about humankind is that individuals among us are very clever, and we invent many things, but our progress is nonetheless held back. The obstacles are internal. We stupidly cling to outdated ideas; many of us believe in a spooky being living in the clouds, omniscient and often petty; some of us write letters with ink on actual paper; some go to the bank teller to get money; some of us insist on shifting our own gears in an automobile.

And some people actually try to pick up and eat food with two fucking sticks.

Look, I see what you're trying to do. You want to appear cool and cultured. You want to fit in with all the other nincompoops eating with two preposterous wooden sticks. Or do you perhaps think your waiter will be offended? Guess what?: nobody thinks you're a cognoscente because you're participating in a technology so obsolete that even Byzantines had a better option.

So next time you're in a chinese restaurant, or wherever, please refuse the chopsticks with a brisk reply of "No thank you. I don't shit in a hole in the ground, wipe with sheets from the JC Penney catalog, or anything else out of the dark ages. Give me a damned fork." You'll feel as though you're swept up in modern social change.